The Man Who Fell To Earth And Invented The Airbag « Thread Started on Mar 18, 2009, 9:50am »
Kite sipped the top of his pint after finishing off his Ploughman`s lunch and undoing his top button of his jeans he turned to Albert. “What did you think of that lunch then Albert me old mucker fit for a King or what?” “Not bad , not bad “replied the old man. The Hunters was just as it was in those early eighties when Kite used to make that annual trip to the Dove Stones and what Kite could remember it was the same Landlord , the pub was empty apart from a man sat at the window he was dressed in a black cardigan, black coat and had jet black hair and in front of him on the table a glass of water . Kite took another drink from his pint and in the corner of his eye he saw the stranger pore the glass of water into a plant pot... Now Kite was curious that man would come to a pub not try the many and wonderful real ale`s on offer but order a drink of water and then not even drink it but throw it away , Kite nudged Albert and swivelled his head towards the man at the window . `He`s an Alien ` said Albert flipping a beer mat at the corner of the table and completly missing it . “How the hell on earth did you come to that conclusion ! ?” “He`s not blinked since we`ve been here” answered Albert and with that he stood up and did a strange little movement with his hand , you know the kinda thing the clever French bloke did in Close Encounters, and with that the stranger got up almost banged his head on the low ceiling and came across to our two travellers table . “Greetings New worlders “ he said and sat down . “New worlders ?”. said Kite looking at Albert ”Earth it`s not that old as the planet he comes from “ replied Albert “Which is ?” said Kite and before Albert could answer the stranger spoke again .”My name is Star Beast from planet X “ he said. “Ah “ said Kite ...So then Albert what was you going to say ? “Y” said Albert “Just wondering “ “No Y” said the old man . “Well you seem to know every unexplained thing that turns up and its getting a bit unnerving “ “Well boy the thing is I have met our friend before it was When Thutmose III ruled Egypt and there was a great fire in the sky and there was many sky ships came for a visit it was our friends from Octania came with some new friends they had met at the edge of this universe and great joy was to be had with lots of virgins sacrificed and the odd goat for the burger vans and....” “Yes I think I`ve heard enough “ Interrupted Kite “No ..No There`s more you see they came and took the trees you see they had no trees on planet X” “Why?” “No. .. X and that`s not the only thing they took they took the four legged janoopa Bird and they became very popular with the Outworlders from planet X that they became extinct in Egypt and I was very sorry about that as I never tasted one “ said the old man “And why was that ?”asked Kite knowing full well what was coming next . “I could never catch one “ Said Kite and Albert in unison . [loyal readers of Albert may well be tiring of catching animal jokes , but hey ! I love em !] Back to the [thin] plot . “So you remember this Alien from thousands of years ago and he just happens to be in this pub that`s in the middle of nowhere...You stop me as soon as your ready old man “ Said Kite “No no your doing fine on your own “replied the old man who was now putting down the Times crossword and pushing the said paper towards Kite and pointing at the middle of the crossword and there was a word that didn`t really fit in the white box`s it read... Airbag . “A !”Said Kite , but the rest of his words were blocked out by Albert`s hand across his face . Starbeast`s coat pocket began to bleep and he reached into the coat pocket and pulled out a small black box that had a flashing red light that was the shape of an X . “The time is almost upon us for me to leave this planet and return home “ he said . “Why ?” Said Kite “No X “ said Albert . “My tea is ready “said Starbeast . “Tea?” said Kite and Albert once again in unison “Yes Tea it`s the name of my spaceship it`s just over that hill and inside the Dove Stones and all ready for launch “ said the Starbeast. “Tea and lunch” said Albert who was now thinking of his belly and how nice the Ploughmans was and if they gave their customers recipes and was there venison dear. “I think there is a story to tell here “ said Kite who thought best just to ignore Albert and thought it was time for some kind of explanation of what was going on and why is it that this stranger from Planet X in a Cheshire pub and how the old man knew him and why is it that they can never have a normal day out. “Well, New worlder I think I have a little time before a go to Tea , I will tell you how I happened to be on this planet “ ”please do “Said Kite “The planet I come from is a dry planet and it is not like yours as you have plenty of water to go round and so I decide to come here and with our advanced technology and send water to my planet , but in my spaceship , it is only the size of your average shed and it would be a worthless trip as I wouldn’t bring much water back in it “ “Shed?” said Kite. Starbeast carried on “”So I thought that I would come here and make lots of money and then build a bigger ship and go home in that with lots of water and bring joy to my planet and maybe get a Knighthood and my own swimming pool , as for sharing Swimming pools on our planet is not a pleasure as we do tend to re use the water and you can imagine ....Anyway I arrived in your Earth year 1967 and I was just getting use to my space lag [it`s like jet lag but in space , yeh its obvious but..” [you can never tell as Chuck Berry once said] “And I crossed a street and a car almost knocked me down but it managed to miss me and hit a tree and the poor driver banged his head o the steering wheel and was knocked out . An old man who was nearby with a young girl said aloud “If they had invented the airbag earlier that man would not have a lump the size of a janoopa egg on his head “ “So I turned to the old man and asked him how he knew of the Janoopa bird and what was an airbag and so he explained all about the airbag and how it saves many lives and also crash test dummies or as they will be better known in the future as boy racers and that said he went off muttering about how Janoopa bird is a perfect example of why there is no god as it is not only has three legs but lays its eggs on tree branches as it can`t be bothered building a nest . Kite turned to Albert and gave him a what have you done kind of look “Albert ?” “So “ Starbeast carried on. “I invented the Airbag and made millions and set up a Tea Company and stared to design a spaceship that would take water to my planet “ “Tea? What the devil made you gave it a name like that ” asked Kite “It stands for To Earth And Back “replied Starbeast “Thats Teab “ said kite “Yes Tea “ “B” Kite said “I can`t say that letter , it`s a forbidden letter where I come from “ “Why?” “No X” said Albert who hadn`t been listening as he was now waving at the bar for another pint . Kite started to wish that he`d stayed in bed and this morning when a white van stopped and parked up at the pub door and then Starbeast dived under the table and whispered “the secret police are here to take me away , help me Sir Kite “ he said . Through the door came a man in a white coat and behind him two , well they looked like prison guards but as Kite not had H. M.P he wasn`t sure . “Is Starbeast here ?“ said the man in the white coat . “He`s under the table “ shouted the Landlord and with that the three men pulled out Starbeast from under the table and dragged him away with Kite and Albert opened mouthed as the sound of Starbeast shouting “ you will pay for this when the Cthulu minions come and take all the pen tops and all Earths pens will dry up and mankind will rue the day as the pen is mightier than the Kitchen knife “ and with that said he was thrown into the van and off sped the van leaving only a dusty trail and a little face looking out of the back window of the van waving . “He`s a patient at the mental hospital “ said the Landlord”He manages to escape every once and a while and he always comes here and has a drink of water and asks me if I have seen his space ship and then I ring the hospital and they come for him.” “I see so what is his real name then ” asked Kite “Allen S. Breed an American apparently he says he invented the Airbag in the 60`s , the mans a Nutter “ “The man`s an Alien “ said Albert under his breath . “I think it`s time we headed for home old man “ Said Kite as he put on his denim jacket and with that the pair set off down the road and Kite could of sworn that he once heard of the name of the American and that it had to do with an alternative to the seat belt and there was a article in the National Airbags and seat belt monthly [a good read and a smashing page 3 ] and it was an Airbag made by a company called StarBeast .
Re: The Man Who Fell To Earth And Invented The Air « Reply #2 on Mar 19, 2009, 9:19am »
Classic stuff Kitie! Loved the letter jokes! And of course, the animal joke!
The scene at the end, when they take "Starbeast" away, reminds me of a similar scene in HG Well's Invisible Man (when he was in the pub or somewhere and someone got the police onto him... a cosmic story by the way)
Boy racers... when I went to see Billy Conolly, he did a joke about boy racers. He said: New Zealand says it has a problem with boy racers. But I have the solution. Just treat it with noise - when you give us woon woon woon we'll give you bang bang bang!" (obviously he didnt say these words, but made car and gun shot sounds)
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away, reminds me of a similar scene in HG Well's Invisible Man (when he was in the pub or somewhere and someone got the police onto him... a cosmic story by the way) 
