Post by mrkite23 on Sept 8, 2008 4:42:55 GMT 12
It was a the usual Sunday morning with Albert in his usual not up to doing the house work and not up to getting himself of the settee to make a brew .
“Its a nice day today Albert the sun is out lets go for a walk on the hills “ Said Kite .
“Hmm “
“We can take some sarnies and walk to the Dove Stones not been there since a was a teenager and then go to the Hunters for a pint on the way back ?”
“Dove stones !? , pray tell me what are the Dove Stones ?said Albert
“Well there …Stones , but the highlight of the walk is the Hunters , it’s a good pint and an unusual Pub “
“You payin ?”
“Yes , I suppose I am “
“I`ll get my shoes then “ said Albert
Kite made up some sarnies for the trip and off they went
The two men walked on until the roads and streets became stony paths and trees became natures bus shelters and the lamp posts of the ever climbing path to the countryside .
The sun shone down on the two travellers
“Have you ever heard the tale of the Wind and the Sun Albert ? “ asked Kite as he saw Albert taking of one of his coats .
“Am I about too ?” said Albert who was now getting a bit hot under the collars of his coats .
“Well.. the Wind was talking to the Sun and they were debating on who was the strongest and he says “
I am more powerful than you Sun I can cause chaos by blowing downs trees and houses and make tidal waves and flood countries and what do you do?, dry up the flowers “
“I am the Sun I light and warmth to the world , I am more powerful than you and I will prove it , see that man down there with his large coat on I bet I can make him take it off “
The wind laughs and says , “I will blow that mans coat off and I will win the bet “.
“Ok says the Sun , you can go first “
So the Wind blows and blows at the man , but the man holds on to his coat and the harder the Wind blew the harder the man held tight to his coat , eventually the Wind gave up and he turned to the Sun “there is no way that man is taking off his coat “ he said .
“The Sun just smiled and the sky became blue and the day turned into a hot and warm well day! and the man took his coat off .”
“The point is ?” asked a warm Albert
“Well its not always brute force that wins the day “ replied Kite.
“That is a true statement there boy as it reminds me of the time of the Normans invading England and though we outnumbered them , they defeated us , and a little accident that happened didn’t help “
“Accident ?, Normans ? , isn’t that the battle of Hastings , 1066 ?, are you telling me fought in that battle ?”
“Yes I was and it all began …“
Hang on I think it best we sit down and have the sarnies , where are they ?”
“I thought you brought them “ said Albert putting his backside on a grass verge .
Kite sighed and sat down next to the old man .”Go on “ he said .
England 1066 .
I was a bit of a mean archer and when the apple shooting off heads work dried up he decided to join the army of the new King of England Harold II after Edward the Confessor had died and the cousin of Edward who was next in line William the Norman of Normandy in France was up for the throne , but on his deathbed Edward had changed his mind and gave it to Harold , and I confess I do not know why .
William who was the Duke of Normandy was not a happy bunny so he declared war on Harold and he got his army and set sail for England after his men had all got there passports back in the post and took extra Armour as it was a bit of a cold and grey country and so damp that even the rats wore wellies .
Meanwhile Albert shot his way to the top and became King Harold`s right hand man and became his bodyguard .
“You shoot a mean arrow Albert “ said Harold
“Thank you sire “thou is kind as I am just happen to have a good arm and a good eye .” said Albert .
“I have a good eye myself “said Harold .
There was a knock at the Kings door and the guard who was stood at that very door said
“Who goes there?” through the little hatch that they have on those castle doors .
“I am the messenger and I have a message for the King .” Said the voice behind the other side of said door .
“What is the password ?” said the guard
“oh ..oh I know it I know it its Hedgehog soup “ said the messenger .
“That was last weeks password, have another go “ said the guard with an evil grin on his face of which the messenger didn’t see.
“I hav`nt got time for games , I have a plumber coming this afternoon to fit my new indoor toilet “ and posted the message through the door and with that he went .
“Some people, you cant have a laugh with them always in a hurry , I blame the Romans and there fancy indoor loos “ he said through the hatch and he picked up the message and he took it to the King and got out his pocket book passwords and turned a few pages .
“Oh gods , said the King and he read the letter aloud “ there seems to be about eight thousand Normans at immigration and they are waiting for a cart to take them to Hastings !“
“Must be a very big cart with extra seats “ said the guard peering from the password book “
“Why Hastings ?” said the king .
“Must be some French folk festival or a cheese tasting weekend “ said Albert .
“Well it must only mean one thing I`m afraid , it must be war ! “ said Harold
Who had not been in the job long but being a King normally meant he had to take his country to war and he wasn’t missing this opportunity .
“Get all able fighting men and we shall march to Hastings “ he added .
Hasting was a good place for a big battle as it was all fields and lots of hills the generals could watch the battle from afar like they always seem to do in battles .
The last Battle the English had was in a built up area and the residents complained to the council about the noise and the mess they left blood pools, headless corpses etc.
So they had signs put up that had a soldier with a spear running threw him and a horizontal red line across saying.
“ No battles aloud in a built up area between 9005 to 1023 AD”.
And so all men who could fight went onward to Hastings except the messenger who was still waiting for the plumber to turn up and he wasn’t going to not be in when he turned up because you can bet your life it would be another three weeks before he could fit the job in again .
So Harold and his men got to Hastings about 3.00pm and they all sat down and had some tea and the Captains had wine and biscuits as they had a more important job of ordering men to there deaths .
Eventually the Normans and William turned up and blamed the baggage handlers for the delay and the fighting began .
It wasn’t to long before the English were been slaughtered and it look like the Normans would win in less than an hour.
But King Harold could not sit and watch his men loose so heavily so he drew his sword and charged into the heart of the battle and his men took this as a sign of the Gods that they were on their Kings side and as in most King songs the Gods would be always by his side and they fought even harder and just as it seemed that the battle was turning in England`s favour
Drama happened
A Norman was about to slay the King who had dropped his sword and the King couldn’t find his sword as there were a few on the ground and like all swords they all look the same when there full of blood
Albert saw his King was in need and he took his bow and reached for his for a arrow from his arrow case and he pulled back the bow and had the Norman in his sights and just as he let the arrow fly he sneezed and the arrow flew into King Harold`s good eye and the King was dead .
That was that for the English as now they saw there King had been killed by one of his own men and soon they were defeated and William and his men were so happy they stayed in Hastings for two weeks [ Its true !]
Meanwhile the defeated army returned to London and with them the Traitor who had killed their King .
Albert pleaded his innocence but to no avail and he was sentenced to a Hanging and he had a week to think about what he had done and that his King killing days were numbered while the builders[ Gallows and Draw Bridges Thou Us] built the Gallows and had lots of tea brakes .
He was took to the tower of London and he Was met by a very large man with one of those executioners masks and wore lots of leather that seemed to be stained in blood .
“Welcome to my Prison “ he said
“ I am going to be your guide and I will make sure you have a pleasant stay until your hanging “
He grabbed the chains and dragged Albert down a long cold and damp passage way .
”This is the main part of my prison where we keep the pickpockets and the tax dodgers , we had it painted last year but the water has made it run , which isn’t to bad really I think it gives it a nice atmosphere, what do you think ?”
“ Yefff” said Albert for he was gagged
“Me too and this next part is the luxury cells for the rich and famous , your know the kind Actors, Poets, Musicians , and in that cell we had the famous story teller renown Atheist and magician, Kitan of Mancunian , that’s in the north where it rains a lot , have you heard of him ?”
“Nofff” said Albert .
“He was asking for God to help him that day as we took him to the chopping block I can tell you , oh ..I just did .
And here is your cell and he reached down to his leather belt and grabbed a large pile of keys and opened the cell door .
“There you go , I wont be here tomorrow I have a beheading at ten o clock I have a deserter to deal with some messenger who didn’t turn up for the battle of Hastings as he was having a toilet fitted , I have heard some excuses in my time but the one is a.. shhh!.
Did you hear that the builders have arrived and they are Sawing away already
Don’t you worry the are very reliable , oh so I have heard “
And with that he closed the cell door and left Albert who muffled a sentence that if the large head chopper could understand gag language it would have said
“Come back you sick blood thirsty bugger and take this gag off me “
Weeks can drag on when your doing something you hate but as for Albert stuck in a cold and damp cell with only the odd rat for company this week flew by .
“And on the morning of the seventh day Albert saw through his window a priest heading towards his cell and he had a black masked behind him with a rather large grin on his face and also two guards .
“Have you anything to say to your God my son?” said the priest , as they came in Albert`s cell and the guards chained up his hands and feet .
“Yes I do “said Albert and he screamed “Help!”
They took Albert into the courtyard and in the middle was a rather nice looking Gallows and a small crowd had gathered and behind them was a burger van .
The little parade reached the top of the stairs and they asked Albert If he would like a black cloth bag on his head ?”
“Fufffu” he replied as they had gagged the condemned man once again.
The masked man put the noose around his head and nudged Albert forward a bit and pulled a lever …
Albert was still was stood on the trap door .And that moment something ran down his leg , it was a mouse and it spoke in a mouse language and if there was anyone who knew mouse it said “I`m off see you in your next life “.
“Bugger said the masked sadist , as he was not long for clocking off and he had Interior decorators
coming round later and he wanted to pick the colour of the curtains .
The crowd booed .
The Guard pulled Albert back off the Trap door and stamped on it a few times and nothing happened and then pulled the lever back up and then pushed Albert back on the trap door .
The Masked man smiled and he pulled the lever down and Albert did not move and this time something ran down his leg and it wasn’t a mouse .
The crowd booed .
“He has one more go “said the priest “And if he is still not swinging its the gods will we must let him go “
“Bugger ! “Said the Masked Monster and he grabbed the peanut seller from the crowd with his mighty arm and he plonked him on the trap door reset the handle and he pulled .
Peanuts flew everywhere and the peanut seller was gone .
The crowd cheered .
So once again Albert was put on the trap door once they had carried the Peanut seller away to meet his Coffin maker and with all his might the Masked Beast pulled the lever .
Albert was still stood on the trap door and there was total silence and then ..
The crowd booed .
“That’s it you’re a free man “ said the priest and he crossed himself .
“So you lived then ?” said Kite as it was the present day .
“Hang on the narrator isn’t finished yet “ said a present day Albert .
“Oh sorry “ Said a present day and a embarrassed Kite
The guard undid the ropes and gag from a very relieved Albert and he skipped down the steps and stood on a peanut flew in the air and broke his neck and fortunately he was also bit by a Adder he had landed on . ( Steps and Adders ?)
And so that was the end of Albert the man who had killed Harold II and helped the Normans win in the famous battle at Hastings in 1066 and it was so famous Tapestry was sewn and they seemed to have got some facts wrong as they have a Norman slaying Harold .. Oh well .
“Is that it ?”
"Yes" said the narrator and took of his glasses and left the building at bit like Elvis but in a smart car .
“Good ,so you died again and you were responsible for Harold`s death and you were lucky enough to get bit by a snake and no doubt you reincarnated and came back to wreak havoc once again “ said Kite
“Havoc boy ! Let me tell you how I .. “
No that’s enough of tales of You old man for today its getting late and we have only gone a bout half a mile “
So its to the Dove Stones then ?” said Albert getting up off the grass verge
“Bugger that I need a pint lets go straight to the Hunters and get a nice Ploughman`s lunch .
The two men got to the Hunters pub and ordered two Ploughman`s and two pints of real ale that was called strangely enough called Harold`s Eye .
“Its a nice day today Albert the sun is out lets go for a walk on the hills “ Said Kite .
“Hmm “
“We can take some sarnies and walk to the Dove Stones not been there since a was a teenager and then go to the Hunters for a pint on the way back ?”
“Dove stones !? , pray tell me what are the Dove Stones ?said Albert
“Well there …Stones , but the highlight of the walk is the Hunters , it’s a good pint and an unusual Pub “
“You payin ?”
“Yes , I suppose I am “
“I`ll get my shoes then “ said Albert
Kite made up some sarnies for the trip and off they went
The two men walked on until the roads and streets became stony paths and trees became natures bus shelters and the lamp posts of the ever climbing path to the countryside .
The sun shone down on the two travellers
“Have you ever heard the tale of the Wind and the Sun Albert ? “ asked Kite as he saw Albert taking of one of his coats .
“Am I about too ?” said Albert who was now getting a bit hot under the collars of his coats .
“Well.. the Wind was talking to the Sun and they were debating on who was the strongest and he says “
I am more powerful than you Sun I can cause chaos by blowing downs trees and houses and make tidal waves and flood countries and what do you do?, dry up the flowers “
“I am the Sun I light and warmth to the world , I am more powerful than you and I will prove it , see that man down there with his large coat on I bet I can make him take it off “
The wind laughs and says , “I will blow that mans coat off and I will win the bet “.
“Ok says the Sun , you can go first “
So the Wind blows and blows at the man , but the man holds on to his coat and the harder the Wind blew the harder the man held tight to his coat , eventually the Wind gave up and he turned to the Sun “there is no way that man is taking off his coat “ he said .
“The Sun just smiled and the sky became blue and the day turned into a hot and warm well day! and the man took his coat off .”
“The point is ?” asked a warm Albert
“Well its not always brute force that wins the day “ replied Kite.
“That is a true statement there boy as it reminds me of the time of the Normans invading England and though we outnumbered them , they defeated us , and a little accident that happened didn’t help “
“Accident ?, Normans ? , isn’t that the battle of Hastings , 1066 ?, are you telling me fought in that battle ?”
“Yes I was and it all began …“
Hang on I think it best we sit down and have the sarnies , where are they ?”
“I thought you brought them “ said Albert putting his backside on a grass verge .
Kite sighed and sat down next to the old man .”Go on “ he said .
England 1066 .
I was a bit of a mean archer and when the apple shooting off heads work dried up he decided to join the army of the new King of England Harold II after Edward the Confessor had died and the cousin of Edward who was next in line William the Norman of Normandy in France was up for the throne , but on his deathbed Edward had changed his mind and gave it to Harold , and I confess I do not know why .
William who was the Duke of Normandy was not a happy bunny so he declared war on Harold and he got his army and set sail for England after his men had all got there passports back in the post and took extra Armour as it was a bit of a cold and grey country and so damp that even the rats wore wellies .
Meanwhile Albert shot his way to the top and became King Harold`s right hand man and became his bodyguard .
“You shoot a mean arrow Albert “ said Harold
“Thank you sire “thou is kind as I am just happen to have a good arm and a good eye .” said Albert .
“I have a good eye myself “said Harold .
There was a knock at the Kings door and the guard who was stood at that very door said
“Who goes there?” through the little hatch that they have on those castle doors .
“I am the messenger and I have a message for the King .” Said the voice behind the other side of said door .
“What is the password ?” said the guard
“oh ..oh I know it I know it its Hedgehog soup “ said the messenger .
“That was last weeks password, have another go “ said the guard with an evil grin on his face of which the messenger didn’t see.
“I hav`nt got time for games , I have a plumber coming this afternoon to fit my new indoor toilet “ and posted the message through the door and with that he went .
“Some people, you cant have a laugh with them always in a hurry , I blame the Romans and there fancy indoor loos “ he said through the hatch and he picked up the message and he took it to the King and got out his pocket book passwords and turned a few pages .
“Oh gods , said the King and he read the letter aloud “ there seems to be about eight thousand Normans at immigration and they are waiting for a cart to take them to Hastings !“
“Must be a very big cart with extra seats “ said the guard peering from the password book “
“Why Hastings ?” said the king .
“Must be some French folk festival or a cheese tasting weekend “ said Albert .
“Well it must only mean one thing I`m afraid , it must be war ! “ said Harold
Who had not been in the job long but being a King normally meant he had to take his country to war and he wasn’t missing this opportunity .
“Get all able fighting men and we shall march to Hastings “ he added .
Hasting was a good place for a big battle as it was all fields and lots of hills the generals could watch the battle from afar like they always seem to do in battles .
The last Battle the English had was in a built up area and the residents complained to the council about the noise and the mess they left blood pools, headless corpses etc.
So they had signs put up that had a soldier with a spear running threw him and a horizontal red line across saying.
“ No battles aloud in a built up area between 9005 to 1023 AD”.
And so all men who could fight went onward to Hastings except the messenger who was still waiting for the plumber to turn up and he wasn’t going to not be in when he turned up because you can bet your life it would be another three weeks before he could fit the job in again .
So Harold and his men got to Hastings about 3.00pm and they all sat down and had some tea and the Captains had wine and biscuits as they had a more important job of ordering men to there deaths .
Eventually the Normans and William turned up and blamed the baggage handlers for the delay and the fighting began .
It wasn’t to long before the English were been slaughtered and it look like the Normans would win in less than an hour.
But King Harold could not sit and watch his men loose so heavily so he drew his sword and charged into the heart of the battle and his men took this as a sign of the Gods that they were on their Kings side and as in most King songs the Gods would be always by his side and they fought even harder and just as it seemed that the battle was turning in England`s favour
Drama happened
A Norman was about to slay the King who had dropped his sword and the King couldn’t find his sword as there were a few on the ground and like all swords they all look the same when there full of blood
Albert saw his King was in need and he took his bow and reached for his for a arrow from his arrow case and he pulled back the bow and had the Norman in his sights and just as he let the arrow fly he sneezed and the arrow flew into King Harold`s good eye and the King was dead .
That was that for the English as now they saw there King had been killed by one of his own men and soon they were defeated and William and his men were so happy they stayed in Hastings for two weeks [ Its true !]
Meanwhile the defeated army returned to London and with them the Traitor who had killed their King .
Albert pleaded his innocence but to no avail and he was sentenced to a Hanging and he had a week to think about what he had done and that his King killing days were numbered while the builders[ Gallows and Draw Bridges Thou Us] built the Gallows and had lots of tea brakes .
He was took to the tower of London and he Was met by a very large man with one of those executioners masks and wore lots of leather that seemed to be stained in blood .
“Welcome to my Prison “ he said
“ I am going to be your guide and I will make sure you have a pleasant stay until your hanging “
He grabbed the chains and dragged Albert down a long cold and damp passage way .
”This is the main part of my prison where we keep the pickpockets and the tax dodgers , we had it painted last year but the water has made it run , which isn’t to bad really I think it gives it a nice atmosphere, what do you think ?”
“ Yefff” said Albert for he was gagged
“Me too and this next part is the luxury cells for the rich and famous , your know the kind Actors, Poets, Musicians , and in that cell we had the famous story teller renown Atheist and magician, Kitan of Mancunian , that’s in the north where it rains a lot , have you heard of him ?”
“Nofff” said Albert .
“He was asking for God to help him that day as we took him to the chopping block I can tell you , oh ..I just did .
And here is your cell and he reached down to his leather belt and grabbed a large pile of keys and opened the cell door .
“There you go , I wont be here tomorrow I have a beheading at ten o clock I have a deserter to deal with some messenger who didn’t turn up for the battle of Hastings as he was having a toilet fitted , I have heard some excuses in my time but the one is a.. shhh!.
Did you hear that the builders have arrived and they are Sawing away already
Don’t you worry the are very reliable , oh so I have heard “
And with that he closed the cell door and left Albert who muffled a sentence that if the large head chopper could understand gag language it would have said
“Come back you sick blood thirsty bugger and take this gag off me “
Weeks can drag on when your doing something you hate but as for Albert stuck in a cold and damp cell with only the odd rat for company this week flew by .
“And on the morning of the seventh day Albert saw through his window a priest heading towards his cell and he had a black masked behind him with a rather large grin on his face and also two guards .
“Have you anything to say to your God my son?” said the priest , as they came in Albert`s cell and the guards chained up his hands and feet .
“Yes I do “said Albert and he screamed “Help!”
They took Albert into the courtyard and in the middle was a rather nice looking Gallows and a small crowd had gathered and behind them was a burger van .
The little parade reached the top of the stairs and they asked Albert If he would like a black cloth bag on his head ?”
“Fufffu” he replied as they had gagged the condemned man once again.
The masked man put the noose around his head and nudged Albert forward a bit and pulled a lever …
Albert was still was stood on the trap door .And that moment something ran down his leg , it was a mouse and it spoke in a mouse language and if there was anyone who knew mouse it said “I`m off see you in your next life “.
“Bugger said the masked sadist , as he was not long for clocking off and he had Interior decorators
coming round later and he wanted to pick the colour of the curtains .
The crowd booed .
The Guard pulled Albert back off the Trap door and stamped on it a few times and nothing happened and then pulled the lever back up and then pushed Albert back on the trap door .
The Masked man smiled and he pulled the lever down and Albert did not move and this time something ran down his leg and it wasn’t a mouse .
The crowd booed .
“He has one more go “said the priest “And if he is still not swinging its the gods will we must let him go “
“Bugger ! “Said the Masked Monster and he grabbed the peanut seller from the crowd with his mighty arm and he plonked him on the trap door reset the handle and he pulled .
Peanuts flew everywhere and the peanut seller was gone .
The crowd cheered .
So once again Albert was put on the trap door once they had carried the Peanut seller away to meet his Coffin maker and with all his might the Masked Beast pulled the lever .
Albert was still stood on the trap door and there was total silence and then ..
The crowd booed .
“That’s it you’re a free man “ said the priest and he crossed himself .
“So you lived then ?” said Kite as it was the present day .
“Hang on the narrator isn’t finished yet “ said a present day Albert .
“Oh sorry “ Said a present day and a embarrassed Kite
The guard undid the ropes and gag from a very relieved Albert and he skipped down the steps and stood on a peanut flew in the air and broke his neck and fortunately he was also bit by a Adder he had landed on . ( Steps and Adders ?)
And so that was the end of Albert the man who had killed Harold II and helped the Normans win in the famous battle at Hastings in 1066 and it was so famous Tapestry was sewn and they seemed to have got some facts wrong as they have a Norman slaying Harold .. Oh well .
“Is that it ?”
"Yes" said the narrator and took of his glasses and left the building at bit like Elvis but in a smart car .
“Good ,so you died again and you were responsible for Harold`s death and you were lucky enough to get bit by a snake and no doubt you reincarnated and came back to wreak havoc once again “ said Kite
“Havoc boy ! Let me tell you how I .. “
No that’s enough of tales of You old man for today its getting late and we have only gone a bout half a mile “
So its to the Dove Stones then ?” said Albert getting up off the grass verge
“Bugger that I need a pint lets go straight to the Hunters and get a nice Ploughman`s lunch .
The two men got to the Hunters pub and ordered two Ploughman`s and two pints of real ale that was called strangely enough called Harold`s Eye .