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Post by mrkite23 on Jan 14, 2019 4:16:05 GMT 12
A new breed of Super Hero is in our midst He is a mild mannered man who lives in the sleepy town that sits half way up in the country that is known in the days of knights and Dragons and funny looking Mushrooms that is Albion , but it`s now called England and the Town is called Stalybridge (Ask Richard Gere where it lies , he says its in the pit of hell, but thats Hollywood for ya )
The Hero ? you ask . His name is Captain Bob , he is a forty something chap and lives with his mum . His powers ? Well that will come apparent in coming episodes So lets begin our adventures with Bob
Bob decide to take the 4x4 to work this morning and as it was raining he didn`t want to get his new wellies wet . He drove down the main street and on the large Tellyscreen there was the news that a 25 mile split of ice in the Antarctic
Its you with your bloody 4x4 `s polluting our mother earth !" shouted a man dressed in a bright jumper and camouflage trousers and what looked like a Peruvian hat with a badge of a panda stuck on it . "Oh really ... Sorry " said Bob
Bob was so upset about being blamed about the Earths plight and took it to heart (oh folks heart is an anagram of earth ..makes you think dosn`t it )that he booked a flight to the Arctic to see if he could help put things right , you know like leave fridge doors open and not use any deodorant . When he got off the plane there was a man dressed in a bright jumper and camouflage trousers and what looked like a Peruvian hat with a badge of a panda stuck on it . "It`s all your fault flying around on your big planes warming the planet and leaving the polar bears homeless !" he shouted .
"Oh sorry " said Bob I will help the polar bears and there homeless plight said Bob to himself so he went out looking for a bear .
He got to a big cave and as he remembered that bears lived in caves from his school book from long ago entitled Bears Live in caves and eat fish And so off he went inside the cave and to his amazement there was a big flying saucer melted in the ice So he got out his blow torch that he had in his back pocket and started to melt the ice around the flying saucer .
3 days later the ship was out of the ice and Bob knocked on the ship . "Hello ! " he shouted And then there was a loud noise and a door opened on the top of the ship and a gray man came out . "ugdbnc xjzufer kifeaskn " he said .
"No problem said Bob " As Bob once had a book called "Aliens live in caves and eat fish" with a bit on how to speak Alien at the back . "njsffgf ogndjugbh ojjm jagdveuctxx " said the alien "Special powers ! why thanks , now I can save the Earth " said Bob .
And with that the Alien shot a hole in the ice and then went back in the ship and came out with a fishing rods .
They both sat and fished , until it went dark ( about three Months )
Bob said his goodbyes and he went back home and told his mum about his tale and went to bed and thought of how he could use his powers to help mankind .
"Turn that landing light off Bob! your not helping the planet "shouted Bobs mum .
"Sorry " said Bob and without getting out of bed he thought of the light switching off with pressing a finger of each hand on his forehead
And in a moment the light went off .
"Wow !" he said
"Never mind I`ve done it " shouted Bobs mum .
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Post by mrkite23 on Jan 14, 2019 8:57:07 GMT 12
Bob woke up the next morning with a cold . I`m not going to work today he thought to himself as he was on his own and if you could see his Star Trek collection you could see why as there was no room for nothing else . "Your not going to work then Bob ?" shouted his mum . "She read my mind !" thought Bob. "No cough cough !" "Would you like some soup ?" said his ma "Make it so!" said Bob giggling to himself and thinking if this was a story on a Sci Fi Forum the people reading it would be laughing at that. He thought . Bob picked up his latest book Continuing Story Of Albert and went to his favourite bit with the two Heros of the book stuck in White Chapel and up against The Ripper . Bobs Mum brought up the soup . "Here you are son " "Ta ma " he said But at that very moment Bobs Mum stood on Data and the bowl went all over Bob . "Oh...Sorry " said Bobs Mum . The next day Bob felt much better and the burns from the hot soup had started to not hurt as much when he walked . He decided that after his meeting with the fish fanatic Alien friend who told Bob that he once caught a Fish in Loch Ness and that it was so big that people ran away and shouted "Its the Beastie " But the Alien laughed and told them it was not as big as the one he caught on planet hdkdvkcv but they ran away again shouting "Aliens !" Which the Alien thought was funny as it was only 1933 and that Aliens had not come out yet . Oh how he and Bob laughed . Anyway . . .. Bob knew that inside him there was a superhero and now that his Alien friend had gave him powers , which he didn`t know what they were yet but he would find out sooner or later. He had a cloak which he made last year from a bed sheet which he had painted a large B on it in red with his mum`s lipstick . Bob thought of how his mum went mad when she found Bob in her handbag . "What are you up too young man ?" she said . "Lipstick " replied Bob " I need lipstick " "You do! your just like your father " "Dead?" said Bob "No one of those Ed Wood kinda guys !" "A very bad director ?" asked Bob Oh how Bob and his Ma laughed .
Bob got his cloak from his draw tied it around his neck and then very gently walked down the stairs as his burnt legs were flaring up again and walked slowly to the front door and opened it . "Where you going ?" shouted his mum from the kitchen with just her back and head peeping round . "I`m going out on the dangerous streets where evil lurks on every corner of the town and where old ladies hold tight on to there handbags as they afraid of the many gangs of youths that terrorize them and push in at chip shop ques and ask you to go in the off licence and buy them White Lighting and..." "No your not ! your tea is ready " "Oh... Sorry " Said Bob and he closed the door took off his cloak and set the table . Tomorrow I will save the world thought Bob . "What are we having then Ma ?" "2 fish and bread " she answered "Oh just like Jesus " "No he`s having a Curry I bumped into him at the shops this afternoon " "Oh I really fancy a Curry n all " "I will ask him if he has any extra left over for you " said Bobs mum "Jesus ! " No reply "Jesus !" Then a man with a beard and long hair popped his head through the kitchen window . "Whats up Bob`s ma ?" he said "You got any spare Curry going ?" "Yeh plenty and its almost ready come round and I`ll put some in a dish for you " said Jesus "Nice one Ma , I love Jesus`s curries , what a great neighbour he is " said Bob and he went and got out the Poppadoms from the cupboard . That night after many pints of water Bob went off to bed and thought to himself how much Jesus charged for shelfs as he needed some for his large Star Trek collection . I`ll ask him tomorrow after I have saved the world . And with that Bob went to sleep .
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Post by mrkite23 on Jan 14, 2019 10:44:06 GMT 12
This chapter comes with a
parental ADVISORY explicit content
And really bad citations .
Bob woke up the next morning and decide that there was no time like the present to be a super hero , as for presents well he only got them at x mas as he didn`t know when his birthday was as his mum had lost his birth certificate a long time ago .
Bob did ask his mum about it when he was a wee Bob .
"Why can`t you remember my birthday ma ? you were there was`nt you?"
"Yes I was ! and I have the lines to prove it "she replied lifting up her knitted jumper and showing Bob where babies come from (her belly her belly ! naughty reader)
"Well then can I have another birthday y`know like Jesus , he had one at x mas and at Easter Sunday but went missing like Lord Lucan and Elvis " "Elvis isn`t missing he works in the chip shop "said Bobs mum tucking in her jumper
"That`s a song " said Bob
"Well he swears a lot and give`s large potions " said Bobs mum .
Oh happy times thought Bob as he used to think every day was his birthday and when people would say when is your birthday Bob ? He would reply "Today!"
So today was Bobs birthday and he went to the wardrobe and got out his cloak and opened the window and stood on the ledge and shouted "Captain Bob is here to save the world "and he jumped .
It wasn`t long before the ambulance arrived and the medic got out .
"Who phoned the accident ?" he asked
"It was me " said a big hairy biker who was sat on his big Harley Davidson .
"What happened ?" said the medic rummaging through the letters
"Well ...A man dressed in his Pyjamas and a bed sheet with a large B smeared on it, shouted "Captain Bob is here to save the world !" and jumped out the window and landed on the postman " said the biker.
Bobs head appeared out of a large pile of letters " Sorry " he said
"It` s a good job the postman was there you could have broken something "said the medic .
"Oh..Sorry " said Bob .
And then the postman got up
"Where is Sarah Conner ?" he said .
"Eh? you have a very large bump on your head sir I think you need to sit down " said the medic
"I want your clothes " said the Postie to the hairy biker
"Pardon !" the biker laughed .
"Your Uzi 9 millimeter" said the postman
"I know whats wrong with him , he`s got the Schwarzenegger syndrone "said the medic .
"Wha.!" said the biker and that was the last thing he said in this story as the postman punched him and got on the Harley and said "I`ll be back " and rode off.
"Hasta La Vista" said the medic
"Schwasa wots it syndrome ?" said Bob.
"Yeh its quite common with bumps on the head but not as popular as the as Eastwood syndrome It has people with no names and they start running around with Magnums and saying stuff like "Are you feeling lucky punk ?"
"Yeh its my birthday ..Should I go on the lottery tonight?" said Bob .
"No its a Clint.. oh nevermind "
Bobs mum came to the door
"Bob come quick our Postman`s on T.V. and he has just shot a woman called Sarah Conner and he said it`s all Bobs fault as he was arrested by the police .
"F**k You not a very nice person" said Bob
"Did you just swear then Bob ?" said Bobs mum
"Oh..yeh sorry " said Bob.
"You`d better get to bed if you want to live " Said Bob`s mum while doing arm lifts on the Winterdyke
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Post by mrkite23 on Jan 15, 2019 9:48:42 GMT 12
Bob limped out of the house the following day and he`d decide that second floor windows were for the birds and window cleaners .
Maybe I need to have a little help with flying like those two Greek fellows Icarus and Ridiculous, all they had was feathers and wax and I know if I`m going to save the world I need to fly and all good super Hero`s fly .
Feathers, he thought and went to the shed to look for a box and a piece of string to catch some Pigeons, after several minutes of trying to open the door he peered inside and was amazed of how much stuff there was.
A lawn mower with a shredded policeman`s uniform with a badge that read Bangor Maine P.D. and it had patches of what looked like blood caught in the mower blades .
"I wonder how that got there ?" said Bob out loud
"Don`t ask me " came a voice from the back of the shed ."Its me Wise Penny and everything floats, apparently" and a clown crawled out from all the junk .
Bob jumped back and was scared as he did not like clowns as he thought that any one who goes round throwing buckets of water and hitting each other over there heads with planks were not the kinda people Bob wanted in his shed .
Bob grabbed the axe that was on the shelf that he had not noticed before and it had some writing on the axe head Property of OverLook Hotel .
Don`t you come any closer "
"Or What?" said the clown
"Or I will wipe that smile off your face " replied Bob.
"No need to be like that, I mean you no harm "
"And you don`t want to hit me over the head with a plank ?"
"No I`m retired I just write horror stories these days on my type writer" and the clown pointed to an old typewriter that looked as though it was grinning at Bob and had a few missing letters .
"It has a few letters missing I see " said an observant Bob
"Yes it has but I pencil the letters that are missing in "said the clown. "Would you like to hear one of my stories ?" the clown continued.
"Well..Ok but I havn`t got all day I have to make my wings " said Bob
"Wings ?" said the clown .
"yeh I`m going to save the world " said Bob.
"Indeed you are " said the clown picking up some sheets of paper .
"My story is called Carrie "
"Oh nice" said Bob and pulled out a bag of popcorn out of his pocket .
Our story begi s in Bangor Mai e and a young girl is starti g at her ew school and her mama is putting about three coats o Carrie .
"Hang on ..ew Mai e..." interrupted Bob .
"Sorry not put the N`s in yet " said the clown
"Oh can`t we just let that joke lie and let our reader take it as read" said Bob . "S it... " said the clown He picked up a A4 and carried on .
"Mama ..Why I need so many coats its hot outside ?" said Carrie
"You have to cover up your Devils lumps " said Mama
"There not lumps there breasts mama!" ...
"Hang on ...This a Stephen King Shed isn`t it ?" said Bob .
"Dam ! " said the clown and threw a bucket of blood over Bob
"Thats not funny " said Bob .
"Sorry" Said the clown ..Old habits and all that "
Bob wiped the blood from his face and walked out of the shed got his Blow Torch from his back pocket and set fire to the shed .
"Sorry I`m a Fire starter and old habits die hard " said Bob to the burning shed and with that Bob went back to the house and smashed down the door with the axe and poked his head through the hole in the door
"Herreesss Johnny !"he shouted .
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Post by mrkite23 on Jan 29, 2019 10:10:20 GMT 12
Bob had found himself in a field in the middle of the night with a sore bottom and how he got into this predicament well I shall tell.
Bob woke up and looked at his calendar and to his surprise it was almost Christmas Day. (why the surprise you may ask as it was November when the Author started to write the story .it `s a long story and you know how things are when you`re up and coming writer who needs the work . You don`t? Me neither)
Bob went to the job centre for his usual appointment and he always seemed to get the old scary looking woman who always looked at Bob with those small piercing eyes and ask the same questions as though she had spent weeks of well asking the questions.
Have you worked in the last two weeks? Have you looked for work in the last two weeks and the funniest one have you worked paid or unpaid?
Bob thought of why would anyone work for no money and he one day had put up the courage and said to the woman “why would anyone work for no money?” and she went very red in the face and horns appeared at the top off her head and learned over to Bob and said these words . “You come here every two weeks and you have never seen a honest day`s work and there hundreds of people who gave their time to help the poor the sick the needy in countries where they don`t have running water without any money being given to them or their cause and you come here for hand outs and and and......” And with that she dropped dead “I only wondered “said Bob.
But today he had a different girl asking the questions(which if he had the scary old woman she would have been a bit smelly or Zombie lookin` , well... you get the idea ) and she went through the questions and when she got to the paid and un paid question Bob bit his lip.
She had a colourful cardigan on and those round glasses that office type girls always seem to wear and her skin was white as school milk circa 1967 and on her desk she had a little green alien stuck on top of her pencil Bob picked it up and said “ retaw seye ruoy sekam taht teb I “ to it. “Pardon ?” said the girl and without looking up she typed some type on her keyboard and said those words that Bob had come accustom to. “There does not seem to be any jobs of your trade on here at the moment “ “Not to worry miss, my shammy ringing out for one armed window cleaners days are but a memory (As in he never remembered actually doing such work) I am going to be a Super Hero”.
“I see and what makes you think you have the right qualifications and skills for that kind of work?”
I went to find the polar bears and give them somewhere to live and I came across Nhoj from the planet Edyh and I got him out of the ice and he was so pleased he gave me super hero powers and half of his fish. “I see” said the girl and do you have a reference?”
Bob pulled out a picture out of his pocket and handed it to the girl The girl`s mouth dropped and Bob blushed “It`s an Alien spaceship! “She said. “Yes and there” Bob leaned over and pointed at the bottom of the picture “Is Nhoj. In the corner of the picture was a little grey man holding up a fish .
The girl returned the picture and leaned over to Bob and whispered “I am a member of the Contact cult and we believe that there are other people in the universe apart from us “
“What apart from me and you ?” said Bob looking worried as if his mother didn`t exist who would wash his back on Sunday`s as it was tricky when you only had small arms and no eyes at the back of his head. “No no mankind and you have the proof we have been looking for years!” “I have?” “Yes !yes you do “ “Where ?” “In your hand “...”Not that one! The other one”.
And so the girl told Bob that he should meet her tonight at the world war one statue at the town centre at 7 O clock and they will go to the Contact meeting and tell the members all about his close encounter with an Alien . “No worries “ said Bob “I can`t wait to tell Jesus I have a date , he said The four horsemen of the apocca what nots would be riding towards Stalybridge before I ever went on a date” “You know Jesus!? and it`s not a date “ said the girl .
Bob had already left the building and was off to buy a new shirt for his date and some nice deodorant the one he had seen on the T.V. that had all the girls chasing a man who put some on and lo he has hundreds of girls chasing him. Yeh that`s the one he was going to get Winks for men . Bob went in the chemist.
“Afternoon Bob “ Said Mr Hall . “Hello!” Said Bob as he walked up and down the small aisles looking for the most exotic sounding deodorant of Winks he could find. “The foot powder is on the bottom right!” shouted Mr Hall “It`s ok Mr Hall my Gout`s cleared up. Jesus had this cream that cured all Fungi and leprosy and he said to put it on twice a day and it cleared it up nicely. Bob put the Winks on the counter. “Wink`s eh have you got a date then Bob? “ “Yes ,,Yes I have , how did you know ?” “Just a wild guess .Would like something for the weekend ?” Said Mr Hall winking. “Yes I would. I would like my Swiss Army Knife to turn up “ Said Bob .
Bob arrived half an hour early at the World War memorial at the far side of town and he sat on the marble block which had the names of the brave soldiers who had lost their lives. Bob looked at the list .They all died alphabetically said Bob to himself. Bobs date turned up and Bob he realised that he didn`t know the girls name. “Good evening Miss?” “Carol “ She replied
“My next door neighbour had a cat called Carol * and it loved Bacon rind and she loved it that much she would never let up constant meowing and leg rubbing that one day the neighbour said to Carol look if you go to the bottom of the garden there is tree in which Bacon grows from the branches and so off went Carol and an hour past and Carol came back her fur was matted her tailed looked chewed and a black eye .
“Well did you find the tree ?”asked the neighbour “It was a ham bush “Said Carol. “You`ve heard it “ Said Bob .
An old man came up to our young couple with an old beaten tin cup which had a few coins in it .
“Merry Xmas “Said the old man holding the cup up to Bob .
“Cheers “ Said Bob and helped himself to the money .
The place where the cult Contact met was an old church school hall and it was all decorated for the Christmas play and in the corner was a cattle shed and a manger
“What`s with the shed ?” asked Bob to no one in particular . “That`s where Jesus was born” said an odd looking woman with orange hair
“No way ! he told me he was born in Jamaica” Said Bob.
The woman with the orange hair looked at Carol and the spoke to Bob
“So you have met our visitors from another part of the galaxy and you even have a photograph “
“I have indeed” Said Bob and he pulled out a photograph and passed it to the woman .
“To Bob , lots of love Gillian Anderson “Said the woman
“Oh sorry” and Bob pulled out another picture and put the first one back into his pocket after he had rubbed it down the side of cheek.
The woman looked at the picture and then turned to Bob
“So you have met a grey and he let you take a picture of him ?”
“Well he was very pleased that I had got him out of the ice and he was so pleased that he caught a fish as he wasn`t very good as a fisherman as he was more of a probe up your bottom alien and flying above remote house`s and waiting for the earthman to get a camera and then bugger off “
“And he told you this ?”
“Yeh , and he also gave me this little gadget and he told that if he was ever in the area doing some crop circling he would give me a buzz and we could meet up and talk about old times and what had been happening in Most Haunted as it was his favourite program As he thought that anyone who could spend all night in a haunted with a dozen cameras and not catch a ghost on camera must be the worst ghost hunters or the cleverest con artists on T.V.”
And just as Bob had finished the said gadget went off .
Beep beep beeping away the woman grabbed Bob and took him outside and threw him in the car .
“Help ! I`m being abducted ! “ Bob shouted .
“Shut up man we must go and meet the alien and he can come and take our Contact people and take us to his planet and save us all from the wars and economic mire and the floods and X factor “
So off they went to the fields nearby and she dragged poor Bob in the middle of the field and in no time there was a flying saucer coming towards them and it hovered over the heads of Bob and the orange haired abductor and then there was a bright light and as if time had stooped they both were drawn up to the spaceship and then before Bob knew it he was back in the middle of a dark field with a sharp pain up his bottom and the orange haired woman was nowhere to be seen .
Bob got up rubbing his bottom and walked to the car .
“Bugger! that crazy woman has got the keys and now I going have to walk home and I will miss Most Haunted “ said Bob .
*Carol The Cat. For it was born on a cold night on x mas eve and as she grew older people would come from all over the country to see the said cat for she could juggle 3 balls of wool while reciting the twelve days of Christmas and not getting mixed up with the geese and the lord`s a leaping
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Post by mrkite23 on Feb 27, 2019 9:34:13 GMT 12
A red faced Bob was fixing the front door after his mum had gone ballistic and said that the next time he forgets his key he should ring the bell and not use the axe that was under the door mat just in case their was a fire and the firemen forgot to bring their own .
Bob wasn`t the best at D.I.Y. but he did his best and just as he knocked the last nail in there was a knock on the door .
Bob opened the door and there stood a very well dressed man in his early twenty`s
"Hi Sir" he said to Bob as Bob was looking round to see if there was anyone else as he got a little bit nervy when people called him sir as it usually meant that they wanted his money.
"Hello " said Bob
"My name is Zack and I`m from the Spahns Ranch of Later in the day saints of Jesus Christ "
"Ranch? this is Stalybridge " said Bob holding on to his wallet.
"Yes sir I know but God moves in mysterious ways and we moved over here a few years ago and brought the Ranch from the Hollywood hills of the U.S.A.
"Well call me Bob The Builder " said Bob wondering if they had horses as he always wanted to be a Cowboy after he had watched A Fistful Of Dollars and thought how the man with no name was the only one who could lipsync .
"Yes sir Mr Builder we have come to spread the word of Jesus and we have lots of young naked ladies running around and no one works and we just listen to The Beatles White Album all day long "
"Do you have horses ?" asked Bob .
"Yes sir we do "
"I`ll get my coat" said Bob
When they got to the ranch they were greeted by lots of young people mostly naked and with flowers in there hair and out of the crowd came a small man with a beard and long hair .
"My name is Charlie " said the man "But most people call me Jesus "and he shook Bobs hand .
"Hello Mr Charlie Jesus " said Bob "Its very popular name isnt it Jesus my next door neighbour is called Jesus , he`s from Brazil and he likes Curries and he`s a carpenter and has a donkey that belonged to his mum and dad and the donkey works on the beach giving children rides and y` know what he gets for dinner ?"
"Carrots " said Charlie
"No ! Half an hour "said Bob .
Oh how they all laughed except Charlie who scratched the swastika on his forehead .
"So Bob would you like to join our little commune and be with these beautiful people ?" asked Charlie "Yeh why not " said Bob .
Bob looked around the ranch and he couldn`t see any horses but there was a long haired man sat cross legged on the floor and rolling some leaves in a large piece of paper
“Hello " Said Bob "Could you tell where the Horses are " .
"Horses Man they aint no horses " replied the hippy.
"So what do you do then on this ranch if there is no horses?" said a very dissapointed Bob .
"What day is it man?" said the hippy
"Tuesday" said Bob
"We play Russian Roulette " Bob held on to his wallet "I haven`t got no money "he said .
"Nah nah man its not for money You have a Gun and you put one bullet in the thing and spin the barrel and put the gun to your head and pull the trigger " "Oh ...I don`t think I wanna try that said a nervy Bob
"Wednesday we go out at night and borrow people`s cars and drive around and look for the Pigs "
"Oh .. I don`t think I wanna try that "said Bob
"Thursdays is Free love with all ladies , my favourite " said the hippy with a grin .
"Oh. No I don`t think I wanna try that " said Bob blushing .
"Why you`re not Gay are you?"
"No no !" said Bob "Then you won`t wanna be here on Fridays then "Said the hippy .
“So what`s your name then Mr Hippy sir ?”
“Soupspoon..Here man get your laughing tackle round this “.Soupspoon held out the large cigarette he had just rolled .
“No thank you they make your lungs go black and before you know it you`re dragging round an oxygen tank just like my Uncle Bill used to “said Bob
“Use too?“
“Yeh he`s dead now “ said Bob looking to the heavens
“The black death got him then?” said Soupspoon taking a drag of the large cigarette
“No no.. He was Sky diving, it was one of his dying wishes so he saved up all his money and got a lesson and went up in the plane and he jumped and the rip cord didn`t open so he started praying and he landed in a hay bale and the Oxygen tank hit him on the head and killed him , so there you go..... smoking kills “
“Far out man “ said Soupspoon Then try one of these babies man .He handed Bob a small wafer thin strip .
“What is that ?”
“L.S.D. Man “
“Don`t know anyone dying from that “
And with that Bob popped it in his mouth.
“Far out man , later on we can go and snuff out the Pigs “said Soupsoon.
“You don`t like Pigs do you Mr Soupspoon , do you have any on the Ranch ?”
“Only the ones buried over there “pointed Soupspoon to a few large mounds at the corner of the field .
“I love Bacon in the morning “said Bob
“Bacon?”
“Yeh “said Bob who now was starting to feel very strange. “So what do you do ?erm.”
” Bob”
.”Bob”
“Well I`m going to be a super hero , but I need to learn how to fly “
“My friend Peter PanAm can fly “Said Soup.
“Peter Pan ?”
“Am , yeh he uses PCP , man Angel Dust he says its Helter Skelter man “
“I need to get some of that” and Bob slowly sat down next to Soup and he started to feel like the time he ate two bags of sugar for a bet .
“Soupspoon then turned into a large white rabbit and Bob saw him get up say “I`m late “and he disappeared down a hole .
Then the strangest thing was that he could hear a song in his head “Twinkle twinkle little bat how I wonder where you`re at “
Bob went down into the hole and found himself in a wood and he came upon a tree and sat on a branch was a very large cat .
“Hello “said the cat
“Hello, are you a Cheshire cat ?” asked Bob who didn`t understand why he wasn`t shocked that a cat could talk .
“Not anymore , I`ve moved “
“I see, so you are a ?”
“Ex Cheshire cat “and then the cat disappeared into thin air except the cats grin .
“A grin without a cat ! It`s the most curious thing I have ever saw in all my life”
Bob walked on and the woods became thicker and he became so thick that he couldn’t move his legs and he came to a standstill.
“I`m stuck “ said Bob to no one in particular
“Could be worse “ said a voice in a tree
Bob looked up and he saw a funny looking small bird that had a large beak and no wings .
“You could be extinct “ said the bird .
“Extinct ? and your name is ?
“Yeh don’t exist , my name is Mr Dodo”
“Dodo ! you don`t exist , you were wiped out by man , a bird with no wings and not very bright and not much good at hiding or running away and why I`m talking to a bird I think I am going to be sick and with that thought Bob threw up all over a police mans boots
Bob was coming round from his trip and Soupspoon was back to normal as normal as he could be but he had handcuffs on and was being dragged away by a policeman.
“Where you going Soup I`m so very hungry and I want to eat the pigs!”
And with that the policeman with sick all over his boots hand cuffed Bob and dragged him away.
It was a long trail and Bob told the man in the little box with a little rug on his head was all he wanted to do was ride a horse and eat a pig ... on toast and lots of brown sauce .
Bob was given 25 years at the notorious San Quinton prison (Just off the M62)
He had his very own cell with a nice bed and made lots of friends as they had heard he was one of the Manson family and the inmates would ask him why he was in prison ?and Bob would reply for wanting to ride a horse and kill pigs and eat them on toast and lots of brown sauce .
Most inmates would be sick some would bow their heads and walk quickly away.
Meanwhile back at the home of the Bob , Bobs mum had noticed that it had been very quiet and Bobs meals on the table had been untouched and then one day a letter was on the mat and she opened it and it was from her son at the San Quinton and he was just letting her know he was ok that the Superheroing(It`s a word!) was on hold and could she feed his pet Chameleon Charlie if she could find it as he hadn`t seen it for months .
Bobs mum took Bobs medical records to the man with a rug on his head and she explained that Bob wouldn’t hurt a fly and she pointed out this must be fact as she found Charlie the chameleon stiff as a board with four legs in the air and that Charlie`s diet was in fact Flies.
Eventually Charlie (Christ) Manson heard of Bob and the Chameleon and told the pigs that Bob was not one of the family as it was forbidden to kill an animal as Charlie rated them more highly than mankind (It`s true ! ) and Bob was let out and was fined for the ill treatment of a reptile was banned from buying anymore pets for 20 years which upset Bob as he was thinking of buying a horse but was totally put off of having pigs.
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