Post by mrkite23 on Jan 2, 2023 4:04:30 GMT 12
I`ve found a short story I wrote in 2012 straight off the cuff with me going on a tandem about cutting the back of a sofa (settee) what was a bit of a last resort to find some loose change that had dropped down the back of a settee .
Part 1.
The Lost City in Sofa.
It all started on a quite Sunday afternoon as I sat and watched Season 9 of X Files .
The previous day I had treated myself to a nice packet of Maltesers .
I had eaten most of the before the opening credits had finshed and then I was down to the last one and I dropped it .
Without looking I started to fumble for it and it took a a life of it`s own and before I knew it, it had gone down the back of the Sofa .
I reached for the DVD remote and that had gone too !
Was this to do with the experiment I did last night to see if I could make my own Black Hole in the Bathroom with a book I had bought from a strange book shop that was in a street that I had walked down many times but never noticed this perculiar Book shop.
In the shop window was a strange assortment of books .
How To Build Your Own Time Machine by Ivor Van Burntoast , and there it was
How To Make Your Own Black Hole by Prof Brian
Chadderton .
I bought it and ran straight home and opened it at the first page .
Ingredients
You need to make your own Black Hole.
Lots of room , a couple of White Dwarfs , Dark Matter , Loofa , and Bath Salts .
I had trouble getting the White Dwarfs as there was no Circus in town but I thought I would able to pick some up later in the week .
After a few hours I got bored of the whole Black Hole idea but had a nice soak in the bath and then it happened
I pulled out the plug and then the water stared to spiral down the plug hole and I was being dragged to the bottom of the bath .
I grabbed my Rubber Duck and still I was going to the very edge of the plug hole (Event Horizon )
But as ever when your in the bath the phone rang and I got out to answer it and it was of those damned "Can we interest you in a new Loft Conversion .
When I got back to the bath the bath was empty .
The Rubber Duck had gone !
Strange phenomena or maybe he had flown away .
Anyway.
I got a knife form the Kitchen and turned over the Sofa and cut into the fabric
Before I knew it the hole was large enough put my head in and I peered inside .
And as though some crazy Space Worm Hole or a Pill from Alice In Wonderland had been taken
There a few miles down a winding road was a city .
I set of the on a long and winding road towards the city and I felt like I was getting smaller and smaller just like in that movie The Incredible Shrinking Man ,that was about a incredible story of an incredible man , shrinking .
I came to a crossroad where I saw a Scarecrow .
He was in that usual cruxifix stance that very famous Jesus did at the end of every movie .
He wore a trilby just like the one had in the late 70`s and a demin jacket and jeans and a Hemspheres T. Shirt ...just like
!.
"Which road should I take ?" I said aloud just like that girl who liked a drink .
"That one " said the Scarecrow , but i didn`t know that yet .
"Who said that ?"
"I did ".Said the Scarecrow
"That`s not possible you don`t have vocal chords just like Brue Springsteen "
"I do "
"I ... You ... sound like me !" I said... as he did.
" I am made in your image to make you feel safe and not be afraid of the journey you are going to take "
"I suppose I will meet Tin Man next ?"
"No, copyright and that kinda thing could be pushed a bit far if this was a international bestseller "
"What?"
"Funny you should say that as there is a Tin Man just down that road called Eugene "
"Ok then lets go and see him as Ive got to see if he`s got an axe "
"I can`t Ive got a pole up my arse" said the Scarcrow with a tear in his eye .
"No worries I will get you down "
And I did after a couple of screams and lots of harse words .
about half a mile down the road we got to a very tall Tin Man who was stood like a statue and in one hand was an axe and in the other was an oil can .
"Hello Tin Man Eugene " said I and the Scarecrow in unison which was kinda spooky.
"Muufff moouff" said the Tin Man without moving his lips .
"I think he is rusted " said the Scarecrow
"You think ?"
"After about 30 mins we managed to get the oil can out of his hand and as luck would have it there was enough oil to get the Tin man moving and talking , which I wished I had`nt oiled his mouth as when he spoke it was like someone keying a car .
So after he told us of his tale about how he got rusted and that he was going to sue the weather man of the enchanted forest we set off down the road to the City Of Lost Sofa... oh my .
To Be Contined .
Part 1.
The Lost City in Sofa.
It all started on a quite Sunday afternoon as I sat and watched Season 9 of X Files .
The previous day I had treated myself to a nice packet of Maltesers .
I had eaten most of the before the opening credits had finshed and then I was down to the last one and I dropped it .
Without looking I started to fumble for it and it took a a life of it`s own and before I knew it, it had gone down the back of the Sofa .
I reached for the DVD remote and that had gone too !
Was this to do with the experiment I did last night to see if I could make my own Black Hole in the Bathroom with a book I had bought from a strange book shop that was in a street that I had walked down many times but never noticed this perculiar Book shop.
In the shop window was a strange assortment of books .
How To Build Your Own Time Machine by Ivor Van Burntoast , and there it was
How To Make Your Own Black Hole by Prof Brian
Chadderton .
I bought it and ran straight home and opened it at the first page .
Ingredients
You need to make your own Black Hole.
Lots of room , a couple of White Dwarfs , Dark Matter , Loofa , and Bath Salts .
I had trouble getting the White Dwarfs as there was no Circus in town but I thought I would able to pick some up later in the week .
After a few hours I got bored of the whole Black Hole idea but had a nice soak in the bath and then it happened
I pulled out the plug and then the water stared to spiral down the plug hole and I was being dragged to the bottom of the bath .
I grabbed my Rubber Duck and still I was going to the very edge of the plug hole (Event Horizon )
But as ever when your in the bath the phone rang and I got out to answer it and it was of those damned "Can we interest you in a new Loft Conversion .
When I got back to the bath the bath was empty .
The Rubber Duck had gone !
Strange phenomena or maybe he had flown away .
Anyway.
I got a knife form the Kitchen and turned over the Sofa and cut into the fabric
Before I knew it the hole was large enough put my head in and I peered inside .
And as though some crazy Space Worm Hole or a Pill from Alice In Wonderland had been taken
There a few miles down a winding road was a city .
I set of the on a long and winding road towards the city and I felt like I was getting smaller and smaller just like in that movie The Incredible Shrinking Man ,that was about a incredible story of an incredible man , shrinking .
I came to a crossroad where I saw a Scarecrow .
He was in that usual cruxifix stance that very famous Jesus did at the end of every movie .
He wore a trilby just like the one had in the late 70`s and a demin jacket and jeans and a Hemspheres T. Shirt ...just like
!.
"Which road should I take ?" I said aloud just like that girl who liked a drink .
"That one " said the Scarecrow , but i didn`t know that yet .
"Who said that ?"
"I did ".Said the Scarecrow
"That`s not possible you don`t have vocal chords just like Brue Springsteen "
"I do "
"I ... You ... sound like me !" I said... as he did.
" I am made in your image to make you feel safe and not be afraid of the journey you are going to take "
"I suppose I will meet Tin Man next ?"
"No, copyright and that kinda thing could be pushed a bit far if this was a international bestseller "
"What?"
"Funny you should say that as there is a Tin Man just down that road called Eugene "
"Ok then lets go and see him as Ive got to see if he`s got an axe "
"I can`t Ive got a pole up my arse" said the Scarcrow with a tear in his eye .
"No worries I will get you down "
And I did after a couple of screams and lots of harse words .
about half a mile down the road we got to a very tall Tin Man who was stood like a statue and in one hand was an axe and in the other was an oil can .
"Hello Tin Man Eugene " said I and the Scarecrow in unison which was kinda spooky.
"Muufff moouff" said the Tin Man without moving his lips .
"I think he is rusted " said the Scarecrow
"You think ?"
"After about 30 mins we managed to get the oil can out of his hand and as luck would have it there was enough oil to get the Tin man moving and talking , which I wished I had`nt oiled his mouth as when he spoke it was like someone keying a car .
So after he told us of his tale about how he got rusted and that he was going to sue the weather man of the enchanted forest we set off down the road to the City Of Lost Sofa... oh my .
To Be Contined .