Post by mrkite23 on Apr 23, 2008 8:14:35 GMT 12
One evening after Albert and Kite had watched an X file episode
You know the one with the Aliens in of course and that they had been on this planet for hundreds of years and after it finished Albert was muttering something about everyone knows that the Aliens have been on this planet since the dawn of time
Kite asked him a bit more about his Vampire slaying days.
“So Albert what happened with you and your wife after the episode with Dracula ?”
“Oh yes they were the days , but it got a bit difficult because there was not much call for Vampire slayers and it was a bit of a night shift job really and not a lot money in it and I liked my sleep and it`s hard to find a Vampire during the day “ he said.
“I can imagine “
“So me and the misses sold our silver crucifix`s the Holy Bible and our book How to spot creatures of the damned 2nd Edition and with the money we moved to the beautiful green Isle of Ireland
I applied for a job as a priest and I thought that if any Vampire slaying jobs come up it would like a very handy job because I could borrow the crosses and holy water and the like”.
“Those were happy times in our nice little church and only working on Sundays and the odd funeral here and there it was a good job , until one day there was a little old woman who came to see me “.
“Oh Father Van Helsing can you help me I have a bit of a problem “ she said .
“And what would that be in this beautiful rural place we live in ?”
“Oh Father I have a Poltergeist oh be Jesus I have “ .
“Your joking! “ laughed Kite
“Do I joke boy ?”
“No I don’t think you do , carry on old man “
“I will, so she then asks me if I can do a exorcism “
“Your Joking… “
“No boy I am not , so I told her I would come round tonight “
“Why at night?” asked Kite
“Well it’s a bit more atmospheric and I had not had my tea yet “ said the old man.
“So after tea I went to the local bookshop and bought How to spot creatures of the damned “
“Second edition ?”
“I think so it had a few pages missing , and with my holy bible and holy water I set off to the little old ladies house “.
“So your in rural Ireland at the turn of the century about to do an exorcism ?”
“Yes , so I got to the house and I knocked on the door and the little old lady comes to the door and she takes me in and asks if I would like a cup of tea .”
“Would you like a cup of tea father ?” she says
“No thanks , I am fine”
“Go on farther and I get you some biscuits I sure will “ she said .
“Oh go on then “
I guess it would be thirsty work bringing out unwanted spirits
She came back with just a cup of tea
“I am sorry father , it seems the Poltergeist has eaten all the biscuits “ she said.
“After we had our drink I asked the little old lady , what exactly the Poltergeist did .”
“Well father , he seems to mop the floor has some jam and toast and then he does the washing up “
“So he is a bit of a house proud spook then ?”
“Yes father I think I`ll get the ironing board out as he might fancy doing a few smalls “
“I think not “ said Albert
After a few hours had passed there was a thud from upstairs and then another and then another ,it seemed the poltergeist was making his way down stairs , I could see a dark shadow approaching the stairs and so I covered my face and the stairs creaked as the thing slowly made its way to the bottom .
“Oh Jesus father !” she screamed to Albert who was now crossing himself
“What is it ?”
“Its ,its Shamus ! “ she replied.
“Who?”
“Shamus my husband “ she said .
“you never told me you was not alone”
“You never asked “ she said .
“So it turns out that the little old ladies husband was a house cleaning sleepwalker and the church got to hear about my exorcism, and I was declothed and I was told there is no such thing as ghosts and no one comes back from the dead
In my defence I asked them to explain The father the son and the holy ghost episode .
I was ran out of town by an angry mob with pitch forks and burning torches
I headed to Dublin and I got a job as a waiter and my dear sweet loyal wife who`s life I had once saved ran off the chef.
I really had enough of Ireland so I thought I would sail the seas and see the world and so I applied for a job on the new unsinkable boat called the Titanic .
“One day I was sat outside having my break from the restaurant and I was reading my book on How to spot creatures of the damned which was the only thing I got out of the divorce and this bearded man comes up to me and introduced himself
“My name is Bram Stoker “, he says and he asks me if that’s the book on how to spot creatures of the damned 2nd edition ,
I tells him it sure is and he wants to know why a waiter would be reading such a book
So I tell him I am not a waiter as such , but that I am the famous Dr Van Helsing
He was so excited that he had heard of me and I tell him of my Vampire slaying days
He then he says that would make a fine book and strangely wanted to know that book I were reading was in Latin the dead language ?
I says yes because I cant read any other language
"Good !" , I be off then he says which I thought it was a peculiar thing to say and so off he went .
Then twelve years later a book comes out entitled Dracula and its all about my Vampire slaying days .” said the old man .
“So how did you know it was about you then if you could not read anything but Latin ?” Kite asked .
“I bought the pop up edition “
“Well there you go , and the job on the Titanic ?”
“I didn’t get the job” said Albert.
You know the one with the Aliens in of course and that they had been on this planet for hundreds of years and after it finished Albert was muttering something about everyone knows that the Aliens have been on this planet since the dawn of time
Kite asked him a bit more about his Vampire slaying days.
“So Albert what happened with you and your wife after the episode with Dracula ?”
“Oh yes they were the days , but it got a bit difficult because there was not much call for Vampire slayers and it was a bit of a night shift job really and not a lot money in it and I liked my sleep and it`s hard to find a Vampire during the day “ he said.
“I can imagine “
“So me and the misses sold our silver crucifix`s the Holy Bible and our book How to spot creatures of the damned 2nd Edition and with the money we moved to the beautiful green Isle of Ireland
I applied for a job as a priest and I thought that if any Vampire slaying jobs come up it would like a very handy job because I could borrow the crosses and holy water and the like”.
“Those were happy times in our nice little church and only working on Sundays and the odd funeral here and there it was a good job , until one day there was a little old woman who came to see me “.
“Oh Father Van Helsing can you help me I have a bit of a problem “ she said .
“And what would that be in this beautiful rural place we live in ?”
“Oh Father I have a Poltergeist oh be Jesus I have “ .
“Your joking! “ laughed Kite
“Do I joke boy ?”
“No I don’t think you do , carry on old man “
“I will, so she then asks me if I can do a exorcism “
“Your Joking… “
“No boy I am not , so I told her I would come round tonight “
“Why at night?” asked Kite
“Well it’s a bit more atmospheric and I had not had my tea yet “ said the old man.
“So after tea I went to the local bookshop and bought How to spot creatures of the damned “
“Second edition ?”
“I think so it had a few pages missing , and with my holy bible and holy water I set off to the little old ladies house “.
“So your in rural Ireland at the turn of the century about to do an exorcism ?”
“Yes , so I got to the house and I knocked on the door and the little old lady comes to the door and she takes me in and asks if I would like a cup of tea .”
“Would you like a cup of tea father ?” she says
“No thanks , I am fine”
“Go on farther and I get you some biscuits I sure will “ she said .
“Oh go on then “
I guess it would be thirsty work bringing out unwanted spirits
She came back with just a cup of tea
“I am sorry father , it seems the Poltergeist has eaten all the biscuits “ she said.
“After we had our drink I asked the little old lady , what exactly the Poltergeist did .”
“Well father , he seems to mop the floor has some jam and toast and then he does the washing up “
“So he is a bit of a house proud spook then ?”
“Yes father I think I`ll get the ironing board out as he might fancy doing a few smalls “
“I think not “ said Albert
After a few hours had passed there was a thud from upstairs and then another and then another ,it seemed the poltergeist was making his way down stairs , I could see a dark shadow approaching the stairs and so I covered my face and the stairs creaked as the thing slowly made its way to the bottom .
“Oh Jesus father !” she screamed to Albert who was now crossing himself
“What is it ?”
“Its ,its Shamus ! “ she replied.
“Who?”
“Shamus my husband “ she said .
“you never told me you was not alone”
“You never asked “ she said .
“So it turns out that the little old ladies husband was a house cleaning sleepwalker and the church got to hear about my exorcism, and I was declothed and I was told there is no such thing as ghosts and no one comes back from the dead
In my defence I asked them to explain The father the son and the holy ghost episode .
I was ran out of town by an angry mob with pitch forks and burning torches
I headed to Dublin and I got a job as a waiter and my dear sweet loyal wife who`s life I had once saved ran off the chef.
I really had enough of Ireland so I thought I would sail the seas and see the world and so I applied for a job on the new unsinkable boat called the Titanic .
“One day I was sat outside having my break from the restaurant and I was reading my book on How to spot creatures of the damned which was the only thing I got out of the divorce and this bearded man comes up to me and introduced himself
“My name is Bram Stoker “, he says and he asks me if that’s the book on how to spot creatures of the damned 2nd edition ,
I tells him it sure is and he wants to know why a waiter would be reading such a book
So I tell him I am not a waiter as such , but that I am the famous Dr Van Helsing
He was so excited that he had heard of me and I tell him of my Vampire slaying days
He then he says that would make a fine book and strangely wanted to know that book I were reading was in Latin the dead language ?
I says yes because I cant read any other language
"Good !" , I be off then he says which I thought it was a peculiar thing to say and so off he went .
Then twelve years later a book comes out entitled Dracula and its all about my Vampire slaying days .” said the old man .
“So how did you know it was about you then if you could not read anything but Latin ?” Kite asked .
“I bought the pop up edition “
“Well there you go , and the job on the Titanic ?”
“I didn’t get the job” said Albert.