Post by mrkite23 on Apr 23, 2008 8:39:35 GMT 12
The House Of Death
Kite sat reading the paper about the murder of a rich widower who had been found dead in his mansion and that his young lady friend said she went to the ladies room for five minutes and when she back he was dead , the police were questioning her and how come a pretty young blonde twenty one year old found this eighty nine year old man so appealing , she said “he was a nice man and very caring and liked buying her presents , like the odd diamond ring and necklace “ .
“She did it I bet “ said Kite to the picture of the girl in the paper even though Kite knew she couldn’t hear him
“What is up with you boy ?“ said Albert
“How old are you really? Albert” Kite asked the old man .
“What century are we in ?” he said .
“Never mind old man , I just thought that there is hope for you yet and get yourself a nice lady , theres a fun loving blonde who likes old men , and I think she is a bit well off now , that’s is if she gets away with it .
“Gets away with what ?” he asked .
So Kite explained that the fact money will make people do the strangest things just for a lot more money .
“It reminds me of the case of the house of death me and Sherlock solved “ said Albert
“Sherlock !, as in Sherlock Holmes ?”
“Yes boy me and Sherlock “
“Sherlock Holmes is not a real person , he`s a fictional character “
“So explain this “said Albert and he reached into one of his many pockets of his coats , yeah coats , for he has a few on, and he pulls out a pipe and he hands it to Kite .
And inscribed on the said pipe was this
To Albert , all the best , I would n’t have solved those darn hounds if it was n’t for you , yours Sherlock .
It was a very big pipe.
“I suppose there is a very interesting story to be told about this pipe “
“Yes boy there is “ .
This the tale that Albert told Kite of
The House Of Death . (A Helsing Production )
“It was a dark and windy night and me and Sherlock ..”
“Wait a minute old man , where is Dr Watson ?” asked Kite
“Well, when that writer came to us and asked if he could write about our adventures , and the thing is he was fine with Sherlock s name even though it sounded a bit girlish , he was`n’t happy with my name “
“And why was that then” asked Kite sitting a bit forward on my chair wondering what the devil the old man was going to come up with.
“I told him my full name Albert Percival Van Helsing , and he says that’s name of the notorious vampire slayer from the turn of the century , and I says yes ! that’s me , and he says its not the kind of company a respectable detective would go around and solving crimes
So I told him I only did it at weekends , but he was n’t having it and so he went with his greengrocer who was called Watson , I`m sure the only reason was that he would n’t have to give me any royalties , from the books . “
“I see so you are Dr Watson “
“I am the very same , so anyway ,it was a dark windy”…..
“You done that bit! “
“Oh , yeah , and there was a knock at the door ..
“Who the devil can that me at this time of night Holmes “ I said .
Sherlock picked up his pipe , took a puff from it , coughed and wiped a tear from his eye as the smoke covered his face .
“It’s a well dressed man in a Saville row suit about six foot and walks with a slight limp” he replied .
“By joves Holmes !, how do you know that?” I said
“Hes just walked past the window “ he replied .
“Oh “.
So we let the man in and he starts telling us about a disturbing tale about seven gentlemen who live in a large mansion in Cornwall and two weeks ago , while they were all sat round the large table having dinner the servant Mrs Melancholy came in the room and in her hand was a silver tray and on the silver tray was a letter and she gave it to a Mr Jones and he reached across the table and got a knife and he stuck the blade at the top of the letter and he sliced the letter open and he looked inside , and a smile came on his face and then he emptied the contents on to the table and scattered on the table was six lemon pips .
“Lemon Pips !” interrupted Albert where the devil did they come from ?”
“A lemon tree my dear Albert “ said Holmes .
“Of course , sorry sir carry on “ I said to the man
“The dinner party all laughed ,as they had never seen anything like it , but if they would have looked at Mrs Melancholy , they would have seen she was n’t laughing “
“She was Melancholy? “ said Albert , and Holmes rolled his eyes .
The man carried on.
The very next night , the said Mr Jones was on his way home from a poker game and he took the short cut that took you on the edge of the sea cliffs and he car went over the edge and he was killed .
Four days later after the funeral , the men of the mansion had a dinner in memory of there dead friend and they all raised there glasses to the departed man and as they drank there wine , Mrs Melancholy came into the dining room with a silver tray and on the tray was a letter and she gave it to Mr Brown and he slowly opened the letter and emptied it on the table and five pips fell out and this time no one laughed .
The next day Mr Brown went on a fishing trip and he has never returned
The weekend arrived and the remaining five men had a dinner in the memory of Mr Brown , and once again after the meal the Servant Mrs Melancholy came into the room and gave a Mr Sykes a silver tray and upon the tray was an envelope , and Mr Sykes went white .
“There is no way I am opening that letter “ he said .
“It may be a birthday card” said one of the men
“Its not my birthday “ said Mr Sykes
“Could be an early one “ said someone from the back
“It was last week” said Mr Sykes
While the debating went on as to open the letter or not Mr Sykes started to sweat and the turned a funny color , his face was like a football manager who`s team had just lost a cup final six ,nil.
He then fell backwards on to the book shelf and knock the books of the shelf , he then got up , picked up the books but them back and lined them up neatly and then he dropped dead .
Mrs Melancholy screamed and the men turned to her and she was looking at the contents of Mr Sykes letter , there sat on the table was four lemon pips , oh and a telephone bill .
“So Mr Holmes what do you think ?”
“I think there`s a lot of lemon pips being eaten, I will take the case , pack my case Albert “ said Holmes
“Which case ?” said Albert .
“This case because I think this is going to be a big case and if I am right ,I think there are going to be more deaths so we need lots of clothes and don’t forget to leave a note for the milkman we are going to Cornwall oh and don’t forget my trunks “ said Holmes
“I thought we was taking the case not a holiday “ said Albert
“We are , my dear Albert , and don’t forget my bucket and spade and my fishing net” said Holmes .
“I`m confused “Said Albert
So the famous duo went to Cornwall , and Albert forgot the Bucket .
They arrived at the mansion and knocked at the door , and the servant Mrs Melancholy opened the door and said “I will show you to the body gentleman
“By jove Holmes you were right there has been another erm death !” said Albert
Mrs Melancholy took them to the body
“There was a letter last night and after a big debate and arguing we opened the letter to Mr Greenwood and when we got up this morning found Mr Greenwood in the kitchen “said Mrs Melancholy .
Sherlock Holmes reached into his pocket and pulled out his pipe and lit it.
“He has been murdered “ said Homes
“How do know that Holmes ?”said Albert
“I think the big Axe in his back gives it away “ said Holmes
After Holmes examined the body and called the doctor , who turned up and told everyone that they had already guessed , that Mr Greenwood was dead , Holmes and Albert were shown to there room .
“Which side would you liked to sleep on Holmes “asked Albert for they was only one bed .
“There is no time for that now Albert we need to get down to dinner “
Me and Holmes went down to dinner and we joined the three remaining men for a meal that started with Scotch Broth and as we started to eat our soup Mrs Melancholy brought in yet another letter and she put it in front of one of the remaining gentlemen.
“That’s it I`m off”he said and at that very moment the lights went out and there was a bang and then the lights came back on and the man was lying face down in his soup .
“My god Holmes , whats going on ?”
“Another murder Albert , and this time he has been shot , or drowned in his soup “ said Holmes and he went across the room and picked up a shell from a gun .
“Hmm a point forty five from a German Luger “ he said .
“Then there was two “ said Mrs Melancholy
“I think its best if you two remaining men went to your rooms and lock the doors “ said Holmes
“Holmes we need to solve this case quick or they wont be anyone to pay the bill for our services “ said Albert .
“We shall stay downstairs tonight and keep watch and I need to make some telephone calls “said Holmes
Albert went and sat down in the armchair in front of the blazing fire and within minutes went to sleep
He was awoken by a scream from upstairs and like a shot he ran upstairs and he found Holmes and Mrs Melancholy at the door way of one of the men , and in the room the man was lying face down on the floor .
“I need to see the last mans room Mrs M, “said Holmes and they went to the last man standing room and they opened it , and it was empty .
“Who`s room is this Mrs Melancholy ?” asked Holmes
“Butler “ she said
“By jove Holmes are you saying the Butler did it “ asked Albert .
“A Mr Butler sir “ said Mrs Melancholy
“Well you see its him and a few other people are in this scam , a Mr Butler is on his way to a few insurance places as the men were all heavily insured and he`s gone to collect the money , but the police will be waiting for him “said Holmes
“Brilliant Holmes but why leave it until they were all dead ?” said Albert
With that Holmes turned round and went back into the next room where the dead man was lying and he kicked him in the crown jewels and the body screamed like a baby
“You see Albert , none of the men are dead , they were all on the scam , they had become heavily in debt and they could n’t afford there rich lifestyle any more so they all faked there deaths and they were all set to leave the country with a hefty some of money and get out of paying off their debts and as we speak they are all being rounded up at airports and ports around the south of England , so they are all alive .
“So what about the body with the bloody great big Axe sticking out of his back Holmes ?” asked Albert
“That my dear old friend was not the said Mr Greenwood , he was a homeless person they had found in the grounds and they took him in and then dressed him in Mr Greenwood`s clothes and then they murdered him “
“And the man who was shot ?”
“The shell I picked up was a blank my dear Albert “ said Holmes and he took out his pipe and lit it and coughed .
“Now then Albert get my trunks , were going to the beach “ said the great detective .
“So there you go boy , I was Sherlock Holmes side kick and if you don’t believe me you can go and check out the story in the Cornwall police files , so stick that in your pipe and smoke it “said the old man.
And he took the pipe and noticed it still had some tobacco in it so he lit it and he coughed and went green .
Kite sat reading the paper about the murder of a rich widower who had been found dead in his mansion and that his young lady friend said she went to the ladies room for five minutes and when she back he was dead , the police were questioning her and how come a pretty young blonde twenty one year old found this eighty nine year old man so appealing , she said “he was a nice man and very caring and liked buying her presents , like the odd diamond ring and necklace “ .
“She did it I bet “ said Kite to the picture of the girl in the paper even though Kite knew she couldn’t hear him
“What is up with you boy ?“ said Albert
“How old are you really? Albert” Kite asked the old man .
“What century are we in ?” he said .
“Never mind old man , I just thought that there is hope for you yet and get yourself a nice lady , theres a fun loving blonde who likes old men , and I think she is a bit well off now , that’s is if she gets away with it .
“Gets away with what ?” he asked .
So Kite explained that the fact money will make people do the strangest things just for a lot more money .
“It reminds me of the case of the house of death me and Sherlock solved “ said Albert
“Sherlock !, as in Sherlock Holmes ?”
“Yes boy me and Sherlock “
“Sherlock Holmes is not a real person , he`s a fictional character “
“So explain this “said Albert and he reached into one of his many pockets of his coats , yeah coats , for he has a few on, and he pulls out a pipe and he hands it to Kite .
And inscribed on the said pipe was this
To Albert , all the best , I would n’t have solved those darn hounds if it was n’t for you , yours Sherlock .
It was a very big pipe.
“I suppose there is a very interesting story to be told about this pipe “
“Yes boy there is “ .
This the tale that Albert told Kite of
The House Of Death . (A Helsing Production )
“It was a dark and windy night and me and Sherlock ..”
“Wait a minute old man , where is Dr Watson ?” asked Kite
“Well, when that writer came to us and asked if he could write about our adventures , and the thing is he was fine with Sherlock s name even though it sounded a bit girlish , he was`n’t happy with my name “
“And why was that then” asked Kite sitting a bit forward on my chair wondering what the devil the old man was going to come up with.
“I told him my full name Albert Percival Van Helsing , and he says that’s name of the notorious vampire slayer from the turn of the century , and I says yes ! that’s me , and he says its not the kind of company a respectable detective would go around and solving crimes
So I told him I only did it at weekends , but he was n’t having it and so he went with his greengrocer who was called Watson , I`m sure the only reason was that he would n’t have to give me any royalties , from the books . “
“I see so you are Dr Watson “
“I am the very same , so anyway ,it was a dark windy”…..
“You done that bit! “
“Oh , yeah , and there was a knock at the door ..
“Who the devil can that me at this time of night Holmes “ I said .
Sherlock picked up his pipe , took a puff from it , coughed and wiped a tear from his eye as the smoke covered his face .
“It’s a well dressed man in a Saville row suit about six foot and walks with a slight limp” he replied .
“By joves Holmes !, how do you know that?” I said
“Hes just walked past the window “ he replied .
“Oh “.
So we let the man in and he starts telling us about a disturbing tale about seven gentlemen who live in a large mansion in Cornwall and two weeks ago , while they were all sat round the large table having dinner the servant Mrs Melancholy came in the room and in her hand was a silver tray and on the silver tray was a letter and she gave it to a Mr Jones and he reached across the table and got a knife and he stuck the blade at the top of the letter and he sliced the letter open and he looked inside , and a smile came on his face and then he emptied the contents on to the table and scattered on the table was six lemon pips .
“Lemon Pips !” interrupted Albert where the devil did they come from ?”
“A lemon tree my dear Albert “ said Holmes .
“Of course , sorry sir carry on “ I said to the man
“The dinner party all laughed ,as they had never seen anything like it , but if they would have looked at Mrs Melancholy , they would have seen she was n’t laughing “
“She was Melancholy? “ said Albert , and Holmes rolled his eyes .
The man carried on.
The very next night , the said Mr Jones was on his way home from a poker game and he took the short cut that took you on the edge of the sea cliffs and he car went over the edge and he was killed .
Four days later after the funeral , the men of the mansion had a dinner in memory of there dead friend and they all raised there glasses to the departed man and as they drank there wine , Mrs Melancholy came into the dining room with a silver tray and on the tray was a letter and she gave it to Mr Brown and he slowly opened the letter and emptied it on the table and five pips fell out and this time no one laughed .
The next day Mr Brown went on a fishing trip and he has never returned
The weekend arrived and the remaining five men had a dinner in the memory of Mr Brown , and once again after the meal the Servant Mrs Melancholy came into the room and gave a Mr Sykes a silver tray and upon the tray was an envelope , and Mr Sykes went white .
“There is no way I am opening that letter “ he said .
“It may be a birthday card” said one of the men
“Its not my birthday “ said Mr Sykes
“Could be an early one “ said someone from the back
“It was last week” said Mr Sykes
While the debating went on as to open the letter or not Mr Sykes started to sweat and the turned a funny color , his face was like a football manager who`s team had just lost a cup final six ,nil.
He then fell backwards on to the book shelf and knock the books of the shelf , he then got up , picked up the books but them back and lined them up neatly and then he dropped dead .
Mrs Melancholy screamed and the men turned to her and she was looking at the contents of Mr Sykes letter , there sat on the table was four lemon pips , oh and a telephone bill .
“So Mr Holmes what do you think ?”
“I think there`s a lot of lemon pips being eaten, I will take the case , pack my case Albert “ said Holmes
“Which case ?” said Albert .
“This case because I think this is going to be a big case and if I am right ,I think there are going to be more deaths so we need lots of clothes and don’t forget to leave a note for the milkman we are going to Cornwall oh and don’t forget my trunks “ said Holmes
“I thought we was taking the case not a holiday “ said Albert
“We are , my dear Albert , and don’t forget my bucket and spade and my fishing net” said Holmes .
“I`m confused “Said Albert
So the famous duo went to Cornwall , and Albert forgot the Bucket .
They arrived at the mansion and knocked at the door , and the servant Mrs Melancholy opened the door and said “I will show you to the body gentleman
“By jove Holmes you were right there has been another erm death !” said Albert
Mrs Melancholy took them to the body
“There was a letter last night and after a big debate and arguing we opened the letter to Mr Greenwood and when we got up this morning found Mr Greenwood in the kitchen “said Mrs Melancholy .
Sherlock Holmes reached into his pocket and pulled out his pipe and lit it.
“He has been murdered “ said Homes
“How do know that Holmes ?”said Albert
“I think the big Axe in his back gives it away “ said Holmes
After Holmes examined the body and called the doctor , who turned up and told everyone that they had already guessed , that Mr Greenwood was dead , Holmes and Albert were shown to there room .
“Which side would you liked to sleep on Holmes “asked Albert for they was only one bed .
“There is no time for that now Albert we need to get down to dinner “
Me and Holmes went down to dinner and we joined the three remaining men for a meal that started with Scotch Broth and as we started to eat our soup Mrs Melancholy brought in yet another letter and she put it in front of one of the remaining gentlemen.
“That’s it I`m off”he said and at that very moment the lights went out and there was a bang and then the lights came back on and the man was lying face down in his soup .
“My god Holmes , whats going on ?”
“Another murder Albert , and this time he has been shot , or drowned in his soup “ said Holmes and he went across the room and picked up a shell from a gun .
“Hmm a point forty five from a German Luger “ he said .
“Then there was two “ said Mrs Melancholy
“I think its best if you two remaining men went to your rooms and lock the doors “ said Holmes
“Holmes we need to solve this case quick or they wont be anyone to pay the bill for our services “ said Albert .
“We shall stay downstairs tonight and keep watch and I need to make some telephone calls “said Holmes
Albert went and sat down in the armchair in front of the blazing fire and within minutes went to sleep
He was awoken by a scream from upstairs and like a shot he ran upstairs and he found Holmes and Mrs Melancholy at the door way of one of the men , and in the room the man was lying face down on the floor .
“I need to see the last mans room Mrs M, “said Holmes and they went to the last man standing room and they opened it , and it was empty .
“Who`s room is this Mrs Melancholy ?” asked Holmes
“Butler “ she said
“By jove Holmes are you saying the Butler did it “ asked Albert .
“A Mr Butler sir “ said Mrs Melancholy
“Well you see its him and a few other people are in this scam , a Mr Butler is on his way to a few insurance places as the men were all heavily insured and he`s gone to collect the money , but the police will be waiting for him “said Holmes
“Brilliant Holmes but why leave it until they were all dead ?” said Albert
With that Holmes turned round and went back into the next room where the dead man was lying and he kicked him in the crown jewels and the body screamed like a baby
“You see Albert , none of the men are dead , they were all on the scam , they had become heavily in debt and they could n’t afford there rich lifestyle any more so they all faked there deaths and they were all set to leave the country with a hefty some of money and get out of paying off their debts and as we speak they are all being rounded up at airports and ports around the south of England , so they are all alive .
“So what about the body with the bloody great big Axe sticking out of his back Holmes ?” asked Albert
“That my dear old friend was not the said Mr Greenwood , he was a homeless person they had found in the grounds and they took him in and then dressed him in Mr Greenwood`s clothes and then they murdered him “
“And the man who was shot ?”
“The shell I picked up was a blank my dear Albert “ said Holmes and he took out his pipe and lit it and coughed .
“Now then Albert get my trunks , were going to the beach “ said the great detective .
“So there you go boy , I was Sherlock Holmes side kick and if you don’t believe me you can go and check out the story in the Cornwall police files , so stick that in your pipe and smoke it “said the old man.
And he took the pipe and noticed it still had some tobacco in it so he lit it and he coughed and went green .